Overwhelmed is an understatement…
The past three days I’ve spent in sweats. At home. Doing nothing. (Aside from taking care of Banana, eating chocolate, and shaking my head.)
Someone please remind me if I felt this way in the beginning, with Banana. I can’t even believe that we’ve had her for over a year. I’m even more amazed at the amount of joy and laughter she has brought into our hearts.
Lord, what would I do without Banana? (I try not to think that one through, as I’ve placed her in God’s hands, from the start.)
Honeybear is doing…ok.
I feel comfortable in sharing her age, now. She is eleven years old. (You thought she was younger, didn’t you? ; ) She’s been with us for about seven weeks, and started school a few days after moving in.
As much as it is a huge change for Scott and me, it’s an even bigger change for Honeybear. Thankfully, she is used to making new friends and adjusting to different lifestyles. She loves her baby sister, and takes very good care of anything and everything that is a part of her life.
This is an extraordinary child.
Let’s just say, once she got “comfortable”, Honeybear began to show her…colors, if you will. Scott and I had no idea what this would look like, although we’ve heard about some behaviors that had been demonstrated throughout the years. Honeybear has been neglected and rejected many times. On many occasions, throughout her first decade of life. Naturally, she has a lot of wounds. I’m learning that because she is falling in love with us, she is exposing these wounds. (So, ironically, it’s a good thing.)
But, it’s been painful for her.
It’s been painful for me. And, oh so tiring. I know she is testing me. Waiting to see if I’ll give up on her. Like the rest have. Some days, I honestly fear that I won’t be able to do this.
It’s just so hard, in so many ways…
Aside from the fact that DCP&P places great demands on the foster parents… (I spend about 2 hours, each day, on average, with phone calls, paper work, emails, appointment, meetings, etc.)
Aside from the fact that this is my first time as a parent of a school aged child… (With homework, soccer games, parent conferences, Child Study Team appointments, etc.)
And aside from the fact that my health symptoms become exacerbated under stress. (This week, obviously, is a bad week. Migraines. Chronic Fatigue. Abdominal Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Yuck.)
Sometimes, I wonder if I’m cut out for this.
But, things will get better. For starters, this cloud will lift in a few days, as it always does, each month. DCP&P will certainly die down. And, it can’t get any harder than it is at the beginning. (I’ve learned that from my marriage. Sometimes I forget how hard it was in the beginning! Thank God we didn’t give up.)
After a few days in the dark, I wake up with new mercies. I love when that happens.
Thanks for listening. xo