I know that New Year’s Resolutions can be corny and ineffective. I’ve read that 80% of them fail by February! That’s not a very promising statistic. I also read that in order to truly make a lasting improvement (like a habit) it has to be repeated for 60 days. So, if we can just keep a commitment until the end of February, we can make 2019 a successful year!
But first, I must admit ~ The year 2018 was far from my best. While the greatest news came through in November (We are, in fact, adopting Baby Blue hopefully, by the Spring.) I experienced constant highs and lows in my overall attitude. We lost Baby Banana (our first foster baby whom we were led to believe we were adopting) by her second birthday, in 2017. As much as I tried to get over the grieving process in time for 2018, I just couldn’t get there. I carried anger into 2018, especially with God. My spiritual life took the biggest hit. And, when my spiritual life is off, just about every other aspect of my life is…off. Can you relate?
As a Christian, I believe in having a personal relationship with Jesus. I’ve been through many ups and downs in my life, yet I always bounced back. Because of my faith and relationship with the Lord. I never strayed too far away from God ever since knowing Jesus.
However, something very dark happened in 2017. It wasn’t just having a foster child leave our home. I wish it were just that. But, it’s the stuff that went on throughout the entire process of her leaving our home. I prayed like I never prayed before during that unbearable season. With unwavering faith. If I’m being honest, I truly believed that God would have at least helped Banana’s family to see us for who we really were. But, they didn’t. In fact, we were treated like we were bad people for advocating for Banana’s best interest. As a result, Banana not only left us, without warning so we could say a proper goodbye. But, she left and will probably never know about us nor how she spent her first two years of life.
I still don’t see the how and the why of it all. I use to hope that there would at least be an “Ah Ha!” moment. A point in which I can say…
“Oh. Now I understand why you had her suffer so much. Now I understand why her family didn’t help us make it all easier on her. And, why we’ll never see her again.”
The reality is that sometimes we will NEVER reach that “Ah Ha!” moment. Not in this lifetime, anyway. Guess what? God still wants us to trust Him. Even when we are 100% disappointed. Confused. Defeated. He still wants us to carry on. To GROW in our faith and our relationship with Him.
There’s other things that happened in 2018 that completely devastated me. One thing in particular, I cannot share. It’s something that Scott and I talked about, and decided to keep it private. But, nevertheless, it was very, VERY difficult.
Another devastation was when we were led to believe that we were adopting Brownie & Bean. Something so ridiculously ugly occurred. And, we were completely fooled by someone who promised us we could trust her. That entire tangent in our life (two months with these two young children) doesn’t make sense at all. We bought a minivan. We decorated their bedroom. Scott made the little boy a fire-station headboard because he loved fire trucks. We were left with NO clear answers. And, the person who persuaded me to have faith, stopped speaking with us, altogether.
Why God? Just, why?
I should probably explain that my spiritual dry-spell wasn’t (isn’t) me trying to get back at God. My feelings are not directly tied to what I believe to be true. But, ever since that situation with Banana, I felt like I was abandoned by Him. (Even though I was NOT.) I try to pray. But, somehow it always leads into…
“By the way, why did that happen? Why did you allow that? How is this all working together for my good when I feel so let down?”
And, then there’s Baby Blue. The almost-too-good-to-be-true Foster Baby. While everything about Banana’s situation was a worst-case-scenario that every foster parent DREADS. Baby Blue’s situation has been seamless and somewhat predictable, from the start. His Bio Family was unable and/or unwilling (I won’t say which) to get him reunified. That part has been 100% finalized. Scott and I have even started the adoption process. (Paperwork, fingerprints, medical evals, etc.) Yet, I am struggling with feelings that I never dealt with, since losing Baby Banana. I have fear.
Is this really going to happen, God? Are we really going to get to adoption day? What about that last minute kick to the curb? Is this going to end badly, like it did with Banana, Brownie, and Bean? And, that other thing I cannot say, here, on my blog??
Some of you may have noticed that I’ve taken some time off, from blogging. I wanted to enjoy the holiday and reflect on this past year. It’s been effective, because I know what I want from 2019. I want to start the year with confidence and a new attitude!
For starters, I’m going to get my spiritual life, back in order. I used to start every day with the Lord. (Typically, 15 minutes reading the bible and praying!) I need to start doing this again. First thing!
Of course, I want to eat better and exercise more consistently. Who doesn’t, right?
I also want to find a good grief counselor. Honestly? I can’t say I’m ready to admit that I may need one. But since the few people that I do trust have suggested this, I’m going to give it a shot.
Last but not least, I want to better prepare myself for all the things that don’t go my way, this year! Here is the part that most of us forget. It’s ok to set goals and work towards the things we want. But, in the end, it’s all about God’s plan. It supersedes our plan. I may end up ten pounds heavier by the year’s end. I may not have what I want nor accomplish what I want. But, one thing is true: I will do my best to be the best version of myself. With confidence and a better attitude.
So, I’m not sure if you know this, but I recently started a LE Woman community group on Facebook! A few women, who follow LE Woman, suggested this. I think it will be a great space to share everything and anything that will help myself and others live extraordinary lives! I hope I’m not the only one active in the group! I want to facilitate it with the help of one or two other women. If you are interested and haven’t joined the group, yet ~ Simply, send me a message on the LE Woman page and tell me that you’d like to join our LE Woman Community Group. (It’s a closed group, so you’ll need an invite.)
In closing, I do hope that this year can be an extraordinary year for you. I pray that we can both start each day with confidence and a good attitude. Doing whatever we need to do to be the BEST version of ourselves. No matter what life throws our way. Happy New Year, my Friend!! xo