Hi Friends. I’m happy to announce the arrival of our newest foster baby! Baby Boy BLUE. I feel like God has been very gracious and merciful in giving us this precious gift to love, right now. I was starting to believe God had completely abandoned me. (I’ll get to this, later.)
First, let me tell you about our first foster-baby BOY.
BLUE is ten days old, today. He’s only FIVE pounds! This is the youngest and the smallest baby we’ve had, so far. He is absolutely adorable, with the tiniest delicate features. I love his little facial expressions along with the sounds he makes- guzzling his formula, taking tiny breaths, sneezing, hiccuping, etc. Scott and I are still going through culture shock. We were certainly not anticipating his arrival. And, we never expected such a beautiful, newborn, baby boy.
I suppose we’re getting better at these impromptu baby arrivals! We got the phone call on Wednesday afternoon. And, within a few hours, we were picking up Baby Blue from the hospital.
It’s very surreal waking up one day with no expectation that, at some point, you’ll be leaving the hospital with a foster baby. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. “Is this one going to stay forever?” “Is he going to be healthy?” “Are the bio parents going to be kind to us and work together for the best interest of the baby?” “Are we going to have our hearts shattered, again?”
We had no time to buy anything in boyish colors or preemie size. BLUE wore an oversized pink pj set on his first night. I hope he’ll get over that one, some day. Thankfully, the first few nights have been relatively smooth. In spite of having a six month old to contend with!
Quick tangent on Baby Berry…
Berry has been doing terrific. She is a thriving, happy, and affectionate baby. When we brought BLUE home from the hospital, Berry seemed cautiously aware that there was another baby in her territory. She is still too young to have and express feelings of jealousy. She’ll just stare at him, with her blazing blue eyes and mouth open wide. It’s so precious.
The expectation is that Berry will be reunified with her Bio-family before the end of November. Scott and I have, of course, fallen in love with her. But, we were prepared for her reunification very early on. We’re happy that she will be back, where she belongs, sooner than later. Berry has extraordinary parents, who have been so gracious and kind to us. We work as a team and make decisions together for Berry’s best interest. We hope and believe that we will have a part (even if it’s a small part) in Baby Berry’s life. And, that makes us so happy.
So, you may be wondering how I could have ever felt abandoned by God. But, for the first time in my adult-Christian life, I felt that God had completely turned His back on me.
It’s been over two months since I have seen Baby Banana. I have no idea if she’s doing well. But, I presume she is exhibiting “standard” reunification behaviors. I still cannot wrap my brains around why her entire situation was handled so insensitively and haphazardly. There are a hundred scenarios I can think of that would have been better, as an outcome. I can’t help but to wonder why God allowed so much pain over the course of nine months.
If I’m being completely honest, I feel like a fool. I thought when the bible says “Faith as small as a mustard seed can move a mountain-“ it meant that God could have and would have stopped Banana’s pain. (Our pain.) Or, that God would have built a bridge for her to seamlessly move from one world to another. (There was nothing seamless about it.) He would have prevented her from bonding with us or helped her re-bond to her bio-family, a heck of a lot sooner than she did. I’m not one to hate people. But, I hate what I saw and what we all went through. It was that awful.
I’ve been wrestling with my faith unlike ever before. There’s not a day that goes by in which I am not holding back tears, shaking my head, or compromising my prayers with more sarcastic questions than humble petitions.
I think the hardest thing I’ve been dealing with is accepting and learning that God does hear our prayers, and He does answer them. But, that doesn’t mean we will get what we ask for. We may not even be spared of the most agonizing pain we could ever imagine. In watching a confident, content, and thriving child being uprooted, removed from all that she knew, and practically tricked into leaving us one day, to never return.
(For the record, I get it. I know that at two years old, they say a child is resilient enough to move on, repair, forget, etc. I just don’t think that after two years, it is in their best interest.)
But, it is what it is. Banana is gone. For good. We have no choice but to move on.
Being a foster parent is a thousand times harder than I ever anticipated. I can’t believe that we’re still doing this. Yet, here we are. Doing it, again. Now, with Baby Blue. Once again, we have no idea what his future holds. Therefore, our future, as well.
Scott and I, of course, want a family of our own. (It’s not impossible for us to have that.) But, it seems like whenever Scott and I start to think about going in a different direction (infertility treatments, adoption, etc.) we keep getting calls about Foster Babies.
I know what you’re thinking. This time, you’re probably going to lecture me. So, let me say it for you…
“Rachel, God did answer your prayers. He may not have given you what you wanted. But, He is giving you what you need. HE is sanctifying you and evolving you to be everything He wants you to be. More. Like. Him. Maybe if you started your own family, you wouldn’t have made any time for Banana, Honeybear, Berry, and now Blue. You are giving these children something they didn’t have. God will bless you for that.”
Did I do a good job lecturing myself on your behalf? LOL
Well, in closing, I will say, Scott and I are doing ok. We’ve lost a huge chunk of our hearts, but we are grateful that God is giving us bits and pieces back, with new babies to love. I’ll continue to keep you posted on this foster journey. Thank you for loving these children with us and supporting us, along the way.
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