Dear Honey Bear,
It’s been a few weeks since you left us. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Thanksgiving has come and gone. I was thankful for so much. But, I also felt sad. I don’t know where you spent your holiday. I don’t know if your new placement suits you better. I can only hope.
I still have this maternal concern for you. I’m not sure if that will ever go away. This isn’t the kind of parenting I anticipated. When you arrived, you called me mom. You loved me like your mom. You referenced me as your mom. In many ways, you treated me like your mom.
But, when it came time to look out for you- to meet your real needs and to teach you right from wrong, I felt far too helpless to be your mom.
I want you to know something. It’s not your fault.
You were already half grown. Wounded beyond anything I could offer to heal you. I tried to give you a normal life. For a while, you held it together. For the most part. You wanted to be here, and I wanted to be your mom. Sometimes, what we want is not enough.
It’s not your fault.
I remember tucking you in at night. My big baby girl. I fought back tears every night. I wish I had you from the start. I would have raised you with love. You would have been able to sleep better. You would have been healthier. You would have known right from wrong. You would have understood the dynamic of a family.
You were scared. You were wounded. You did not understand the role of mother and daughter. You saw me as just your friend. You saw your baby sister and your dad as a threat. It broke my heart.
It’s not your fault.
I called you Honey bear. Yet, you were more like a wild bear. One that had lived its life alone. In the wild. One that had been wounded. And, one that could never be domesticated.
It’s not fair. And, it’s not your fault.
I’ll never understand why you’ve been given the life of a foster child. I’ll never understand how a mother could abandon her biological baby. And, I’ll never understand why this did not work out. We can ask God all these questions, someday.
Because, it’s not your fault.
Until then, I will pray for you every day. I will trust that as a child of God, you will always feel loved. Because you are worthy of love. I hope that God can heal you. I know anything is possible. With God, all things are possible. At least we got to cross paths. Even for a short time. I’m glad to have known you.
Don’t ever forget this. I love you very much. And, you’ll always be my Honey Bear.
Your Mom…for a little while.