This time, last year, was the beginning of the end… As Baby Banana’s foster mom. At 19 months old, and for 18 months straight, I was the only mommy she had known. But little did Banana know that by her second birthday, she would leave us, for good. (You can read more about our experience with Banana, here.)
The past seven months have been a time for Grief. Grief like I’d never known before. Confusion. Depression. Hopelessness. Anger. Isolation…
But, God has been gracious. I definitely sensed His presence all along. He has sent blessings along the way (like Baby Berry & Baby Blue). Now, it’s time to begin a new chapter. It’s time to conclude this grief process. It’s almost time to move on…
A part of me doesn’t know how to do this. I still feel that there was so much injustice and insensitivity to Banana’s reunification. The week after Banana left, I spoke with my case worker’s supervisor. Two things still resonate from our conversation that didn’t sit well. First, she said that the people involved on Banana’s “team” (the Law Guardian, case worker, supervisor) were “her friends”. She seemed extremely biased in accepting the facts in how they ignored Banana’s needs. Secondly, she eluded that Scott and I were perhaps not cut out for fostering babies. “Maybe fostering is not for you. Perhaps you’d prefer children that are already up for adoption, instead?”
At the time of that conversation, Scott and I were fostering Baby Berry. We knew that she was most likely being reunified, and yet we loved her and everything about the way her case was handled. (Not perfectly. But a heck of a lot better than Banana’s case.) I’m glad I responded with, “I’m sorry, but I can’t agree that we are not cut out for this. It’s too early to tell and we’re still open to fostering babies from other counties!”
As it turns out, our experience with Baby Berry and Baby Blue have been nothing like what we went through with Banana. For starters, these case workers have been very personable and supportive towards the foster parents. They provide their cell phone numbers and always respond! Even if it’s at 5:05pm. They show a sincerity in the best interest of the child. If and when either baby is sick, they are genuinely concerned with the well being of the child. I can go on and on, but strangely, it wasn’t until after we fostered other babies that we realized how bad things were for Banana!
I can write a book. I can seek out changes in legislation. I can start a service to support foster families going through such injustice. Or, I can turn it all over to God and allow Him to deal with it all.
But, I feel that my role lies somewhere in the middle of completely letting go and making it my life goal. For now, I’m just focusing on my duty as a foster mommy. Loving babies unconditionally and advocating for their unspoken needs.
I want to move on. I feel that it is time to move on in some respects. Scott and I want a family of our own. Children to raise and share in their futures. I’m waiting on some answers because there are a few doors that have been opened, recently. I am literally waiting on some answers because it is impossible to move in two directions at once.
I’m in this position every so often. It’s uncomfortable. I want to move forward and it’s definitely time to do so, but I am waiting on some clarity. Dear Lord, WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
Have you ever felt that God was taking His good ol’ time in revealing His plan for your life? Wow. My life is at such a crossroads right now it is almost unbelievable. I wish I could tell you more, but all I know is that God is up to something BIG!
So, why does God allow us the suspense? Does he get a big kick out of our anxiety? Whenever I start to wonder, I read what the bible has to say about our anxiety…
Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 5:7 Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. …
1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.
Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Luke 12:24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!
Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.